Bring Back Urban Dance Squad!

Everything seems to have gone sour lately. There's nothing worth writing about; every problem, every subject, is either overexposed, tiresome or insignificant. It's not just a matter of whether anyone is interested in my opinion--I've been expressing opinions in the face of apathy for a year and a half now--but whether or not I'm interested in my own.

It's difficult to imagine some people developing a marked disinterest in their own opinions, although in many cases it would be refreshing. Suppose Rosie O'Donnell or Rush Limbaugh declared during the middle of a tirade, "But, in all honesty, what do I really know about it? Maybe I ought to defer to more knowledgeable people." Or what if Lou Dobbs, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter or James Carville declared, "I'm really not that smart, I'm just a loud-mouth. There's a difference between verbose and insightful and not everyone appreciates the distinction."

The most frustrating and worrisome thing about all these hectoring blowhards is that in confronting them, it's difficult not to come off like a hectoring blowhard yourself. How, indeed, does one combat those who never shut up? Perhaps the solution lies in the low-tech answer to nearly every problem: duct tape. It might even make for good radio or television, a talk show in which the host and all guests have duct tape over their mouths. As far as the content goes, who would notice the difference between the duct tape and non-duct tape programs?

Duct tape would also fit nicely over the mouth of Simon Cowell, who recently voiced his disdain for Bob Dylan and called Kelly Clarkson a "young Aretha Franklin." Although I personally like Bob Dylan's music, I feel it's anyone's right to dislike him, as everyone knows he can't sing, but Cowell must be smoking crack if he thinks Kelly Clarkson is anything resembling Aretha Franklin. This is not to denigrate Clarkson, who of all the "American Idol" contestants has forged the most impressive career for herself, but Aretha Franklin? Yes, and that Justin Timberlake reminds me so much of Marvin Gaye!

I think music could use some innovation right now, anyway. It seems to have stumbled into some very boring conventions, with most rappers sounding the same, most country artists sounding the same, most R&B sounding the same, and so on. This isn't, I'm sure, because no brave and innovative artists exist right now, but because most of us, my pathetic self included, are unaware of their presence. But what will it take to get some interesting and unconventional music back on the popular charts? Bring back Urban Dance Squad!

Congratulations!

Welcome to 2007 and I hope you'll find it comfortable here. You might as well settle in and live with it because chances are, this will be your home for a full year. If you decide you don't like it, I'm afraid there's only one way out, and what's in store for you afterward is anyone's guess. So stick around. Better the devil you know.

I have been on a kind of informal hiatus lately, as I'm very busy with other projects, which is code for "lazy and unmotivated." And who wouldn't be lazy and unmotivated if they could get away with it? And I have been getting away with it because the only people who miss someone else's blog are lazy and unmotivated, so they're not going to complain.

The fine folks at the Westboro Baptist Church are still at it, waving angry anti-gay banners at the funerals of dead soldiers. Nine months ago, I suggested physical violence as an option for dealing with these people, but now I have a more sophisticated proposition. I don't see much point in confronting this issue after the soldiers are dead, so I suggest a more proactive approach. The WBC protesters should travel to Iraq and Afghanistan and anywhere else where American troops are stationed to search for gay soldiers and set them straight while they're still alive. While they're at it, they should make every effort to rebuke all homosexuals in these areas, whether friend or foe.

One thing I won't miss about the holiday seasion is those stupid biographical sketches people send as Christmas cards. You know, their year in review:

"Chad and I drove up to Lake Erie to see the two headed fish. On the way, we stopped in Kenton to get a large glass of green tea seasoned with tumeric. My, it was tasty!"

Shut up already about your stupid, boring life. I don't begrudge people who have stupid, boring lives--if I didn't have one, I wouldn't be a blogger, would I?--but don't assume I'm interested! Don't waste postage and send me something I almost have to read out of respect for the fact we call ourselves friends or relatives.

"Our dog, Twitdweller, loves to play fetch with the baby! Since my surgery, however, I can't throw the baby very far, but Twitdweller is happy if I just drop it on the floor."

Enough is enough. Somebody level with these people that we don't care! Or is the job going to fall to me? That's what I figured.

That's all for now, but I resolve for 2007 to be even more prolific with blog articles than in 2006. Or maybe equally prolific. Or slightly less.