Location: Indianapolis, Indiana, United States

I'm just trying to develop an online body of work (even if the work is throwaway nonsense) to advance my writing career.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

No Need to Miss Piggy

It's finally 2009 and there's no need to opine about football, politics, the economy, or Middle Eastern turmoil because every hack with a PC and a personal agenda is already doing that. Not that there's anything wrong with PCs or personal agendas, but sometimes the latter must be set aside so the world can attack a problem in a unified front.

And that problem is bacon. Grease-swimming pig nipples. They wrap bacon around fillet Mignon because a small, fat piece of steak just isn't enough and have the audacity to charge customers forty bucks even though few things come cheaper than dead cow and dead pig. They put bacon on any fast food sandwich that is allegedly spicy, though no direct connection exists between bacon and spiciness. Burger King has the Angry Whopper (angry because cows and pigs don't get along, maybe?), Dairy Queen has the Flamethrower Burger, Wendy's has the Spicy Baconator or something. Even Taco Bell has gotten in on the act with some sort of bacon cheese tortilla thingy. Clearly, the days of mistaking Taco Bell's food for actual Mexican cuisine have faded well into the past, but could they at least try? Nothing says Mexico like bacon, right?

This is not an attack on the existence of bacon, but on its overuse and overexposure. People have the right to eat all the bacon they want anytime they want, but the ubiquity of sowbelly really has crossed the boundaries of good--sorry--taste. Salads are sprinkled with bacon bits, baked potatoes become bacon potatoes, overpriced restaurants offer it, greasy spoon dives can't get enough of it.

If Jews and Muslims agree on nothing else, they at least share a religious aversion to the consumption of pork. Maybe they had the right idea, even if it isn't for the reasons the founders of these great faiths envisioned. God save us from bacon!


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