Dime Store Phil O. Sofee With Your Coffee

Among the most tiresome declarations people can make are these pseudo-philosophical meanderings about the type of people that reside in the world: those who "get it", those who don't; those who "have it", those who don't; those who do something and those who do nothing, and on and on. It isn't difficult to see how these things get started. Most people strive to understand life as we know it but, at the same time, they are rarely prepared to conceive or explain some cumbersome, long-winded treatise. Instead, they try to boil all the folderol away and reveal the nature of humanity in a sentence or two. I appreciate this desire--in fact, I share it--but the results thus far have proved less than stellar.

So permit me to introduce my various, light labor philosophies for those who do not even have time to come up with their own.

Puzzling Philosophy
There are two kinds of people in the world, the screwheads and the damned. The damned aren't so bad but, oh those screwheads!

Monotonous Philosophy
There is one kind of person in the world and you're exactly like that!

Uncharitable Philosophy
There is one kind person in the world and it isn't you!

Conpsiracy Theorist Philosophy
There are no kinds of people in the world due to alien abduction.

Late 1980s Philosophy
There is one Nia Peeples in the world.

Paradoxical Philosophy
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who espouse inane, simplistic philosophies inevitably beginning with "there are two types of people in the world", and those who don't.

Cow Philosophy
There are kine people in the world.

For fairly obvious reasons, the Paradoxical Philosophy is my personal favorite. Since I was the one ranting about how I disliked this kind of brief, incomplete "sum up", it's only natural I'd be drawn to the one that mocks such things. Among the people with whom I've shared these, it's the late 1980s philosophy that seems to be the most amusing. What's alarming is it might also be the closest to universal truth.