Location: Indianapolis, Indiana, United States

I'm just trying to develop an online body of work (even if the work is throwaway nonsense) to advance my writing career.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Twelve Questions of Christmas

In the meadow, we can build a snowman
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown
He'll say, "Are you married?" We'll say, "No, man.
But you can do the job when you're in town."

This particular song could generate all twelve questions on its own if one were in an excessively pedantic frame of mind, but for now I'll focus on one particular point: What would motivate a group of kids--or anyone, for that matter--to pretend a snowman is their minister? Was this a common practice in 1934, when the song was written? Have children in successive generations pretended their snowmen are jazz musicians, phlebotomists, McDonald's fry guys, or do they imagine snowmen as more sinister characters such as cocaine dealers, prostitutes or Catholic priests?

Why has Sean Connery never played Santa Claus? It's the role he was born for.
"Claus... Santa Claus."
"I shee you when you're shleeping, laddie, and I know when you're awake."
Not only that, but who is better equipped to get around the entire world in only one night? If I were you, though, I'd keep an eye on the womenfolk if Connery clambers down your chimney.

Can you imagine a song sucking so badly that even the voice of Nat "King" Cole can't save it? ("The Christmas Song" or "Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire" in common parlance)

How did the song "My Favorite Things" come to be associated with Christmas?

Who is Elmo? There seems to be a new doll of his every Christmas. He wasn't on "Sesame Street" when I was a kid. Why did they allow him to hijack the whole program? I object. More Oscar, less Elmo!

What would happen if you showed a bumblebee a physics textbook? Would it suddenly lose the ability to fly? (Okay, nothing to do with Christmas, but you try coming up with twelve questions pertaining to one topic)

Why can't the people who are too politically correct to even say the word "Christmas" and the people who are so paranoid they think there's a plot to destroy Christmas realize they're cut from the same whacky cloth and harangue each other and leave the rest of us out of their disputes? Listen, dimwits, someone wishing you a Merry Christmas is not forcing Christianity down your throat anymore than someone wishing you a Happy Halloween is tantamount to forcing candy down your throat (not that I'm averse to forcing something down your throat, it just wouldn't be a religion or candy!) And listen twitface Christians, "Happy Holidays" is not necessarily an anti-Christian slogan; this time of year is quite littered with holidays, religious and otherwise, if you haven't noticed. If someone wishes you a "Happy Holiday" or a "Merry Christmas", why can't you just smile and thank the person, rather than interpreting it as an affront to your particular belief system?

That's twelve, right?
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays and Kickin' Kwanzaa and Hilarious Hanukkah and Best Boxing Day!


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