Perfectly Blunt

Frankly, I hate potheads.

I don't detest all of them every moment of their waking--or just as often, napping--lives, only when they're under the influence. Except the advocates. The proponents. Those who proselytize. I hate them all the time! And it isn't because I think legalization of marijuana is the worst idea ever; like everything else, the notion has pros and cons. I just despise the self-congratulatory attitude exuded by many Cannabis Connoiseurs, the Hemphuggers, the Blunt Runts, that sort of "Dude-you-just-don't-know-the-insights-and-creative-impulses-spurred-by-my-weedburning" aura , that a person would have to be out of his or her mind not to indulge in the habit.

Some memebers of the legalize-marijuana crowd like to portray themselves as crusaders for justice; they're just fighting for what they believe in, like Mohandas Ghandi or Martin Luther King. To steal a word from their lexicon, whatever! Ghandi couldn't have been a user because he would have wanted some Doritos during a hunger strike and I don't remember any footage of Dr. King saying to Abernathy, "Can I get a hit off that, Ralph?" In any event, King and Ghandi and other real leaders not only spoke out against injustice, but they deliberately broke laws they considered unfair. And--take note here--they didn't violate said statutes in their basements or in dark alleys, they did it in full view of the public and the authorities. If you think marijuana laws are such a threat to our liberty, why don't you go smoke outside the police station or in front of the Statehouse?

Mary Janers toss out all sorts of arguments ranging from specious to irrelevant in order to advance their incoherent cause. A list of these familiar refrains follows:

1. No one ever died from marijuana.

Nice try, Weedneeds, but why don't you ask Bob Marley about that? Or is it normal for a person to die from lung cancer at age 36? Maybe it wasn't the marijuana that killed him; maybe he just checked out because he wanted to get away from those who thought it must have been the ganja that made his music so good, when in fact it was just because he was something most potheads aren't and can never be: a genius.

2. It's no worse than alcohol or tobacco and those are both legal.

They're right, as far as it goes, but who cares? I'll concede liquor and cigarettes damage society to nearly incalculable degrees, but using this as a basis for legal marijuana is fatuous; it's like saying since we've already elected Bill Clinton and George W. Bush president in the past, why not give Carrot Top a shot at it? He couldn't be any worse, right? The reason we have legal drinking and smoking are varied and politically complex, but the marijuana proponents contend, in essence, if one type of destructive behavior is permitted by law, all other forms of it should also be endorsed.

3. It's not even addictive.

Don't make me laugh while you're making yourself giggle. Like the previous argument, there is a certain limited accuracy to this claim; marijuana does not place the same physiological stranglehold on users that alcohol or narcotics manage. But overall, it's a weak statement. Of course it's addictive. Do you think people would spend millions per year on an illegal substance if it weren't addictive? If it's not addictive, why don't you stop smoking it? Just grow it and don't use at all. Take your stand: "Marijuana should be legal and it's not addictive. I don't smoke it, I just grow it as civil disobedience." Any takers here? I'm not holding my breath (unless you're burning another joint, that is).

The question of medical marijuana is similarly messy. On general principles, I don't object to it. When I hear Montel Williams on the radio singing its praises, I guess I believe him. It's hard to tell a guy with Multiple Sclerosis not to light up if it eases his pain. One thing I've never understood is why medical patients have to smoke the stuff. Why screw up their lungs along with everything else? Why can't they just take marijuana pills? Maybe there's a valid reason for this, but I don't know what it is.

I guess, in fairness, there's a lot I don't know. But I do know I risk alienating a large segment of my potential audience by writing this. After all, outside of my own friends and family, who is most likely to read this Blog? Right! Potheads! What else do they have to do?

I also readily admit that some of the jail sentences imposed on marijuana users are completely disproportionate. But you Hempwimps are partly to blame for this by making yourselves so easy to catch! It isn't like the police have to wonder if you're, say, at work when it's time to arrest you. The choices are a) your mother's basement or attic or b) the 7-11.

In summary, Blunt Runts, here's my plea: Smoke tree if it gives you glee, but stop playing martyr. It's getting tiresome.