Location: Indianapolis, Indiana, United States

I'm just trying to develop an online body of work (even if the work is throwaway nonsense) to advance my writing career.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Downing Street Groucho

One recent Monday morning, I spotted a coffee tin on a co-worker's desk. But this was not ordinary coffee; the label proclaimed "Real Coffee--With Attitude!" I'm not a coffee drinker, but this isn't a trend I like. I'm not sure I want my beverages to exhibit "attitude" or any other human trait; before long, they'll be demanding to know what right I have to drink them at all. And besides that, I'm a little weary of the word "attitude" and its catch all definitions. Everything from bad manners to smarminess to mental toughness can be described as "attitude" and my attitude is: knock it off already! Just because you can't think of the correct adjective for a given situation--"arrogant", "flippant", "resilient", "obstreperous", "mean"--doesn't mean I need to be exposed to your attitude about "attitude."

This story didn't seem to get much attention when it happened nearly two years ago, but I'm quite enamored of the Downing Street Doodles (I thought of this name myself, but I imagine someone else has already used it in print. If so, it's a case of independent evolution, not plagiarism). For those not yet aware, in early 2005 a London newspaper got hold of some silly little drawings presumably penned by embattled UK Prime Minister Tony Blair. After conducting an analysis on the doodles, a graphologist concluded the author possessed an "inability to complete tasks" and was besides "aggressive" and "unstable." What a delightful way to embarrass the PM, right? Not quite. It transpired that the drawings were not created by Tony Blair at all, but by a visitor from out of town named Bill Gates, whose inability to complete tasks must by now be legendary, to say nothing of his instability. Are you still comfortable with the idea of a handwriting analysis determining whether you get a job or not, assuming you ever were to start with? Let's hear it for graphologists!

Some people say newspapers are losing their relevance because so many people now get information from television or the Internet. As far as I'm concerned, this is preposterous. Newspapers are still essential for window cleaning and I wouldn't even consider using TV or the Web for wrapping fish.

Saturn is thought to be the only planet less dense than water, which means if there existed a large enough container for it to fit in, it would float. Wouldn't that make a great bath toy for somebody? Granted, only a fairly large person could get maximum enjoyment from it, but I foresee a market here for spoiled rich kids whose parents buy them everything at Christmas.
"I swear, these kids ask for the moon."
"Moon, hell, you're lucky! My kid wants Saturn!'
Just don't ask the store to giftwrap it.

I believe every business should be run by the Marx Brothers. This one measure could change the world as we know it. First of all, the field of genetics would have to advance profoundly just to make it possible. And can you imagine the economic benefits of having Groucho in charge?
Who's with me?


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