Location: Indianapolis, Indiana, United States

I'm just trying to develop an online body of work (even if the work is throwaway nonsense) to advance my writing career.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

The New (Per) Version

It's time I admitted to being an aspiring pervert. Not of the sexual variety, mind you, as I don't care to share that information and if you're the type who's interested in whether I am or not, I prefer you back away from the screen right now. I'm talking about a political pervert. Yes, I have decided to become a contrarian for its own sake and thumb my nose at convention.

This idea came to me in a vision. No, vision isn't the correct word for it. Visit! That's it. I received a recent visit from a political canvasser who encouraged me to support a particularly homely candidate for State Senate. The young woman assured me the man for whom she so steadfastly campaigned was a "fresh face" with "new ideas." She was a nice lady and I accepted her brochures and offered my tentative support. After she left, I looked again at the candidate's face and wondered what a stale face looked like if his was meant to be so fresh. Then I read his vanguard ideas and nearly fell on the floor at their innovation and bravery. Here were the "big three" and brace yourself, because you've never seen anything like this:

1. Healthcare

2. Education

3. Economic Development

It didn't take long to realize I had, through perversely ill luck, happened across a loose cannon. The nerve of this guy advocating education in a pamphlet absolutely anyone could have read, assuming the person was literate. I won't go so far as to say the guy can't believe what he wants, but to recklessly distribute it like that seemed very irresponsible. I also learned this candidate is married and has a golden retriever named "Smokey". Clearly, this is a dangerous man.

To spare my community further ignominy, I have decided to run for State Senate myself. I feel my most worthy qualification is the fact I have no qualifications whatsoever. Furthermore, I'm fundamentally opposed to education of any kind and since I got a 'D' in economics, you can imagine how I must feel about this so-called "economic development." I'm against healthcare and fully support the advance of all illnesses; viruses have rights, too, and it's time people stopped trampling them. What's more, I'm tired of candidate after candidate speaking out against crime. I am the pro-crime candidate. In fact, if elected, my entire staff will consist of convicted felons. I consider this a bold move for a politician, as generally officeholders tend to select future felons to handle their affairs. So it's like eliminating an entire, costly step in the process. Now that's efficiency and that's good government!

I hope I can count on my readers for support and if you're a reader who happens not to live in my district, perhaps you'd be interested in a job. Don't bother with a resume', but I will require a copy of your criminal history. If it's blank, don't bother. Thank you.


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