Violence for Hire

If I had any real courage, I would show up at one of the protests organized by the Westboro Baptist Church and beat the hell out of every male between 18 and 50. This desperately needs to be done, not because it's legal or even right, but because some people are in dire need of a full scale beatdown.

An earlier entry in this blog addressed a few differences between what is legal and what is sensible, considerate or appropriate and I won't belabor the point anymore than it amuses me to do so, but I'm quite conflicted when it comes to the aforementioned "God Hates Fags" creeps of the Westboro Baptist Church. They're the ones who show up at the funerals of soldiers chanting anti-gay rhetoric and generally ruining the experience for anyone who attends (when you think about it, isn't the phrase "ruined funeral" rather odd? Like anybody expects to have a good time, but I digress). It's possible the only thing on their side is the First Amendment. Mind you, I'm not entirely certain of this; better constitutional scholars than myself seem divided on whether picketing a burial is protected expression. However, if it is determined that such activity is permitted by law, I would hate to see this group singled out simply because most people despise them, myself included.

The overriding reason I don't want a law disallowing such activities at funerals is I think many of us have become overly reliant on legislation to ameliorate discomfort and inconvenience. People don't like being approached on the street, so they get rid of panhandling; people don't like door to door salespeople, so they pass laws against soliciting. All sorts of problems that in a perfect world should never even be considered by legislative bodies are now finding their way into courtrooms or on House and Senate floors.

That's why I advocate taking matters into one's own hands just this once. Somebody do this, please! Do it and accept whatever the punishment may be. Take a baseball bat or tire iron with you into the fray and unleash all your rage on these hopeless, hateful loudmouths so starved for attention and headlines they're willing to engage in the utterly tasteless practice of wishing for--and celebrating--someone else's death (And I'm absolutely not joking when I tell you the WBC calls these activities "Love Crusades"). I should do this myself. If I thought I could circumvent felony assault charges, I would. After all, public sentiment would probably lie on the side of the attacker in this case.

I'd be wrong if I hurt those people, of course, but maybe the ante should be raised a bit. Perhaps getting on television and ruining a very solemn and sober moment for family and friends wouldn't be worth it if they had to take a few licks of their own. Start taking up a collection for me, reader(s?), and if my bail is covered and I'm reasonably certain I can get by with a misdemeanor, I'll do it. Really, I will!