Location: Indianapolis, Indiana, United States

I'm just trying to develop an online body of work (even if the work is throwaway nonsense) to advance my writing career.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Award Ceremony

On the cover of a magazine I recently beheld, there was a photograph of the Risk Manager of the Year Award recipient . How exactly is the winner of such an award determined? It can only be through recommendations and word of mouth because what publication or institution has the resources to travel around and observe risk managers doing their jobs? So the Risk Manager of the Year is awarded not necessarily to the finest risk manager but to the one whose boss is the best writer. Here are two examples of what I mean, taken from the 2004 Risk Management Archives, as the 2005 samples haven't been made available yet:

1. "In six successive games of Risk, Jorge conquered the world each time while playing against myself and the Chief Financial Officer, so I hired him."

2. "That Kate sure can manage her a heap of risk!"

Unabashed praise and eloquent prose like this help separate run-of-the-mill risk managers--who don't know Kamchatka from Irkutsk--from the true superstars of risk management, who realize there's little point in trying to protect Europe as it has twice as many entry points as North America for the same number of bonus armies.

So I started thinking about some other awards that ought to be distributed. My list is as follows and if you have suggestions of your own, feel free to send them to me ("Worst Blog: Yours" will only be funny once so bear that in mind!)

1. The Inverse Curve of Talent to Fame Award (popularly known as the Ringo Starr Award)
I don't intend to select a winner for every award I make up, but isn't Kevin Federline the runaway victor here, despite the presence of Paris Hilton, Dr. Phil, Ashlee Simpson and Simon Cowell? It seems almost unfair, really.

2. The Board Award
To the best carpenter

3. The Bored Award
To the person who listens to the most graduation speeches

4. The Ignored Award
I'd tell you what it is, but nobody cares.

5. The Dumbest Idea to Make Millions of Dollars Awards
This would have to be broken down into different sub-categories.

A. Illicit
Winner here is Crystal Methamphetamine, a drug that can not only kill you when you take it, but also when you make it. And if you've ever met a hardcore user of the stuff, one question you never have to ask the person is, "What was your major?"

B. Entertainment
So many choices here, but I'm going with "The Chipmunks." Some guy speeds up a reel to reel tape to make his voice sound high pitched and calls the characters "Chipmunks" and is still famous fifty years later. Say it ain't so!

C. Commercial/Entrepreneurial
Lifecoaches. If you can afford one, you don't need one. That'll be two hundred dollars, please.

That's a good start. All I need now are a bunch of bad one-liners for celebrity presenters to misread.

Special thanks to AO for additional contributions (particularly those regarding Kevin Federline).


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