Location: Indianapolis, Indiana, United States

I'm just trying to develop an online body of work (even if the work is throwaway nonsense) to advance my writing career.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Scared of Voting

If Rush Limbaugh says Michael J. Fox isn't taking his medication for Parkinson's disease, how can anyone argue? After all, if anyone knows prescription medication... Besides, I think Limbaugh was right. Fox isn't taking his meds, he's selling them. To Rush Limbaugh.

Is the election over yet? Local offices are the worst. Who cares what political party the coroner is? Has anyone's quality of life been adversely affected by a Democratic coroner? What about a Republican dog catcher? What a total waste of time. Of course, the main reason we started having to vote for what should be purely anonymous administrative positions is because city governments would hand out jobs to unqualified friends or relatives. Uncle Duke never passed the bar, but he did once mop the floor at the law school, and besides, he's really good at garnering self-promoting headlines, so why not make him prosecutor? The prosecutors should be elected, but ideally without any party affiliations. Such a system would have drawbacks, too, but it couldn't be any worse than the current arrangement. And anyway, all prosecutor races around the country seem to take place between the same two candidates: the crooked lawyer versus the lying rodent. Their debates often demonstrate a stunning lack of intrigue.

Lying rodent: This man allows criminals to go free and commit more crimes. I witnessed it yesterday.

Crooked lawyer: We released someone from jail and he was walking across the street.

Lying rodent: You mean he was jaywalking across the street. Where were you when that man was breaking the law yet again?

Crooked lawyer: Taking bribes in my office.

The names of political offices should be changed to the most well-known person ever to hold that position. For example, the office of Sheriff could be changed to the Andy Taylor, the Matt Dillon or the Wyatt Earp, Prosecutor might be the Hamilton Berger Office, and so on. This would not only add name recognition to the races, but would give the winners something to live up to and, hopefully, shoot for. In fact, a Wisconsin candidate for Sheriff has already changed his name to Andy Griffith as a vote-getting ploy, but something about it doesn't seem right, sort of like changing your name to Harrison Ford if you want to be an adventurous archaeologist.

With the NBA season fast approaching, I'd like to make my predictions.

1. The best basketball will be played when almost no one is watching.

2. The worst basketball will be played during the playoffs when two defensive oriented teams meet and a brickfest ensues. The broadcasters will rave about what a great game it is while the rest of us scratch our heads.

3. Great shotmakers like Alex English, George Gervin, Adrian Dantley, John Williamson, Dominique Wilkins and Bernard King will remain a thing of the past.

4. Talented and versatile players like LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, Kevin Garnett and Tim Duncan will be assets to the league, but the emphasis on hybridization and resistance to put players into traditional positions will remain an overall hindrance. Special players, past and present (Oscar Robertson, Jerry West, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, Garnett, James and Wade), can defy categorization, but slightly lesser players of whom too much is expected (Stephon Marbury, Billy Owens, Lamar Odom) should learn their strengths and settle into a position, at least until they excel at it. This problem is especially troubling among point guards, most of whom have a shoot first mentality. This wouldn't be the end of the world if they could switch over to the pass first frame of mind according to game situations, but they seem to struggle with this.

5. No one will care about my predictions, whether they all prove true or false, but then, not many will care about the NBA, either, which is sad. It has plenty of warts, but it isn't as bad as many of its critics claim, and certianly no worse than the other major sports.

Good night.


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